i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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