turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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