I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm like, not good at living.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
