Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
