If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
