My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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