Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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