I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
