drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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