I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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