I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
