Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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