am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
