I need to stop coming to work sober
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
