the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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