You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
