I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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