I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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