Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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