what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
