i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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