i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
