1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize