Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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