what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize