just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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