i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
