i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize