The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
