I want to walk on stilts...naked
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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