I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
