What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
