I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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