I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
