I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
