the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I understand Curling. That high.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
