you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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