I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
