I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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