Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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