I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
