I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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