I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
