I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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