I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
