I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
