If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
