Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize