You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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