so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
