I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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