This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
