she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
