Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize