Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Randomize