Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
