my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
