Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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