I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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