i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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