I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
