You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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