I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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