No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
3 2 1 whiskey
Bring me that man meat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
